“She rejected me.” “She left me.”
The most important question in this inquiry is: Who is the “me” that she has rejected? Once again, who is the “I“?
I (ego/identity)=Indian, Male, Student, Professor, Intelligent, Beautiful, Charming, Kind, Smooth, Strong, Confident, Good person, etc.
Assuming that there is an overwhelming, negative, heart-wrenching feeling, let us inquire into this rejection. Here are three common ways a romantic interest can reject us.
- Saying No
- Leaving (Desiring someone or something else)
After understanding the “I” and the several ways a person can reject us, the last step is to ask: What are the qualities of the person who left us?
Romantic Interest=Girl, Student, Beautiful, Charming, Funny, Intelligent, Confident, Caring, Brave, etc.
Note the qualities that both you and the romantic interest share. Observe them, and ask yourself: How much do we value these qualities? How much do I value beauty, charm, intelligence, confidence, etc.? Next, ask what qualities does she have that I do not? How much do I value them? There are some shared values and other unshared values, but what is the point of identifying these values?
The person who rejected you, is a symbol, a bucket of all the qualities you “feel” that have rejected you. The pain comes from the fact that you value these qualities. Therefore, the pain comes from the feeling that your values have rejected you.
The pain is not completely coming from the girl who rejected you, rather, it is from what she represents: the values. We feel as if the values have rejected and abandoned us. A beautiful girl has not rejected me, Beauty has rejected me. A confident girl has not rejected me, Confidence has rejected me. An intelligent girl has not rejected me, Intelligence has rejected me. We feel as if we may never reach our values because they have seemingly rejected us.
Quality: Beautiful (Beauty in the person)
Pain: Value within the person appears as a quality that rejects you. Beauty within the person appears as beautiful that rejects you.
For instance, you see a picture of your romantic interest and the immediate reaction is “Wow, she’s so beautiful.” After being rejected, the “Wow” may be followed by a negative, gut-wrenching feeling of loss. “Her smile is beautiful, but I cannot have her, because she does not want me.” Beauty, placed in the girl, is appearing to reject you (along with the other values you desire).
A component of rejection is feeling rejected by the very values for which we strive. It is here that once we separate the values from the romantic interest, then we can begin to create a personal relationship with the values.
Has Confidence really rejected me?
If I practice reading, writing, speaking, meditation, exercise, will Confidence still reject me?
Has Beauty really rejected me?
If I exercise, eat healthy, sleep well, will Beauty still reject me?
Has Creativity really rejected me?
If I write a poem every week, draw, dance, sing and play an instrument, will Creativity still reject me?
No. These values placed within an individual can reject us, but the values themselves never reject us. Through meditation and constant awareness, perhaps the next time we are in the presence of a beautiful girl and our hands shake and mouths run dry, we realize that it is not the gorgeous girl that is evoking these responses, but instead, is the fear of rejection from the values that temporarily inhere within the person.
Now, using this logic, let us inquire into Jealousy. We become jealous of anyone our romantic interest desires who appears to have these values as equally or more than we do. If I value Seduction because it proves that I am attractive when it works, then if a romantic interest has been seduced before, I will become jealous of the seducer, if he appears to have had more of this quality than I do (the quality being Seduction, but in actuality, attractiveness). Therefore, if I value attractiveness, it exists within the girl and she says no, I will feel rejected. Furthermore, if she prefers someone else who also has that quality (or any other quality I value), I will feel rejected and jealous by that value.
The key is to remember that once again, it is not the value that is rejecting us. If we can separate the value from the person, and establish our own relationship with that value, we can truly understand it and progress towards inner freedom.
I am Confident. I am Beautiful. I am Creative. I am Courageous. I am Good.
Upon waking in the morning, let us say boldly ask the universe “Beauty, Charm, Intelligence, Honesty, come to Me.”
If we are going to be victims of the ego, then let us at least learn that a healthy ego should form relationships not with the individuals who supposedly represent the values, but with the values themselves.
-Hemal P. Trivedī